strength

The past few years, I have tried to be aware of different times that I feel the Lord is giving me a verse to use for guidance. 

 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

These are words that I need and cherish right now. 

I have set some goals for myself, and I plan to keep this verse close to my heart and always present in my mind. 

And these 2 very important words also!

 

 

 



my walk with infertility: year two

The first few months of our second year TTC, we stopped trying and just took a break.
We needed to work on some things with our marriage, and it was just a time for some regrouping and mending. 

About 6 months into the second year, I decided to talk to my doctor.  She thought I needed to start taking my temperature every month to find the right time of ovulation and to see if I was even ovulating at all. 

Let me just say... going to an Ob/Gyn when you're having trouble conceiving is not a pleasant experience in the least.  The last thing I wanted to do was be surrounded by all those pregnant people coming to see their doctor for a pregnancy appointment.  It was always very hard for me to be there.

I wish I had written all of my thoughts and feelings down as we were going through this. If I had a blog at that time, I'm might have.  At least a private one.  There are MANY feelings and emotions that accompany this journey and everyday my mind was preoccupied with it.  But trying to record those now is near impossible.

I did temps for 6 months and then went back to my doctor desperate for some help or answers. 

She did not have a good bedside manner at. all.

She told me that it looked like from my temps that I was ovulating- in retrospect those temps really could not have been conclusive on that, but I didn't know enough at that time to question her about it.  She wanted me to take a HSG - Hysterosalpingography.  I still can't say the word.  Basically, they run dye up through your uterus and shoot it up your tubes to see if they're open.  They use an Xray to watch and see if the dye goes through or if they are blocked.  If blocked, they know why we might not be preggo. 

This experience was not a positive one.   The doctor failed to tell me that I might need to take some pain meds before the appointment.  Or that I would need to take a pregnancy test before the procedure.  I proceded to use the restroom right before I entered the room.  They sent me to the lab and I had to drink 3 full glasses of water before I could urinate for a pregnacy test.

During the HSG, the cramping was so severe that I threw up.  I'm sure having a full stomach of water was not helpful.  And the cramping did not stop for a few hours after we got home.

My tubes were not blocked. 

My doctor had no other advice or help to offer.

We were nearing the second year of TTC, and no help or hope was given by that very incomptent doctor.  My opinion is, if you are going to be an OB/GYN, you must have training  with infertility and how to help those patients.  Not all of them can or do.  It's very sad.

By this time, we had told many of our friends and family. 

It was a sore subject for me.  I was trying to go to baby showers and make the most of it, but honestly, it was just plain hard to do.  I was happy for my friends that were pregnant, but I was jealous.  I wanted it to be me. 

Many friends tried their best to be there and listen when I needed to talk.
But I didn't always want to talk.

And some friends didn't know what to say.  It made them uncomfortable. 
We pulled away from people, and our circle of friends became small.

Quite frankly, all my hopes and dreams were fading.  This was what I dreamed of as a kid.  A family.  To be a mom.  And I didn't know if it was going to happen.

my walk with infertility: the first year

I've recently thought about writing down my memories of our journey through infertility....
As Mother's Day gets closer every year, I think about the struggle and pain and joy of those eight years.

After Eric and I were married for about a year, I started wanting to try to have a baby. We dated for 5 years, and we were about the last of our friends to get married.  So, I felt ready to add another person to our family.  Eric was a little reluctant at first.  He wanted children, but he always needs to warm up to any changes in our life.  So, I began talking about it slowly. 

I was teaching in Ava and we lived an hour from there.  I knew it would be hard to drive 2 hours a day and have a baby.  I considered that I could be pregnant and do the driving, but hopefully have another job closer to home by my third year of teaching so I would have more family time and not be away from a baby for so long during the day.  Little did I know, that would be the least of my worries...

During the summer after our 2nd anniversary (1998), we decided to start trying to conceive. 

The first few months were exciting to think that we were going to have baby soon.  We thought about baby names and how we would decorate the nursery.  We didn't tell anyone.  We couldn't wait to surprise our family and friends with the news.  We had waited so long to get married (not by my choice), and I was pleased that this next stage in our life was going to come a little more quickly than our journey into marriage. 

We are both planners, so this next step in our lives was something we had both planned and wanted for our family from the very beginning.  I wanted to have 3 kids.  The first two closer together, and then a 3rd one about 5 years after the 2nd child was born.  I'm not sure why, but I had always thought that was how I'd like the family to be. 

Our plans slowly began to fade....

Every month was a dissappointment.  Not one month did I ever think I might be pregnant.  I was never late once- always on time or early. 


As the months of that year crept by, we began talking less and less about the possibility of a pregnancy, but we continued praying and hoping that the next month would be the month.


The last 6 - 12 months of the first year trying to conceive (TTC) were excruciatingly painful.  We hadn't told anyone.  No one knew.  We were alone and in misery.  It was probably the worst time of the whole journey.  We didn't have support.  We didn't understand why it hadn't happened.  We were scared to death that something was wrong. We tried to act like everything was normal with our friends and family because we had wanted it to be a surprise.  And the longer we waited to tell people that we were trying and failing, the harder it seemed it was to do.

After about a year of trying, I began to spin out of control.  I started to question every part of my existence.  Why was I not pregnant?  Were we supposed to be togther?  Why did I have to wait for every "big" milestone in my life?  Did I want to be married anymore?  What does this all matter anyway?  Why did life seem to be so painful?  What happened to my plan?  Why couldn't I make a plan for my life like everyone else? 

I'm telling you, I was reeling..... Eric and I went through some of our darkest days at the end of that first year TTC.  Our marriage was feeling a huge amount of strain and pressure.  I was lost in a downward spiral of despair and pain and fear. 

love one another...

I wrote a post recently about my friendships and how I tend to overthink things. 

And ever since, I've tried to sort those thoughts out in my mind.  The comments that my friends left helped me see that I was being a bit off in my thinking.  Their love and appreciation for my friendship was definitely a wake up.  I didn't write the post to get others to tell me that I was a good friend.  I truly needed to just get those thoughts out of my head.  And this blog is a great place to do that.  But, the combination of those comments and my sorting, led to more peace about it.

And suddenly, I felt the Lord telling me something....

"Your love for one another will prove that you are my disciples."

John 13:35

And I realized.....

All I need to worry about is being a good friend to others.  He has called us to do that. 

I can't worry about how others might feel about me when I am trying to be a friend with good intentions. 

So that's it.

I will love my friends.

Help my friends when I can.

Spend time with my friends.

Have fun and be silly with my friends.

Worship and pray with my friends.

Enjoy my friends.

That's what FRIENDS are for, right?



banana bread and fried chicken!

I posted my recipe for banana bread on my recipe blog, Spice of Life.  Check it out if you want a yummy recipe for it!!!

AND, we voted to call Scott Watson as our senior pastor at our new church today- River Bluff Fellowship.  After the service, the church celebrated with a great meal and fellowship.  They had a fried chicken meal- how Southern Baptist can you get???? HA!  So glad we can now call RBF- home.

silent night...

Carson also performed this past Sunday at church with the Children's Choir, Origins.  He once again did all of the motions and performed so well.

Sleep in heavenly peace...

His choir teachers have done such a great job, and all the kids just love choir.  We are very happy at this new church.  It's starting to feel like home, and I am enjoying making new friends.  Everyone in our life group have been so welcoming and treat us like we've been there forever.  I am thankful to God that he has led us to a safe place to worship.

rain

As I walk through times of trouble, I will listen for God's whispers... "I love you, Leslie. We're going to get through this."

Rob Bell has a video series called NOOMA.

They always have a great message and explain God in a unique way.

During times of trouble, we sometimes forget that God is with us and hears our cries.

I thought this video was an interesting take on rain that comes into our lives

and God's role as we go through the storm.

It is a 10 minute video, but worth the time I promise.

my thought closet...

I've been participating in a Bible Study, "Me, Myself, & Lies" by Jennifer Rothschild. I did not realize how negative I talk to myself until it was pointed out to me through this study.

Scripture for my Thought Closet

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of you heart." Proverbs 3:3

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

"I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Thoughts on Esther

The Esther -It's Tough Being a Woman Bible study is wonderful.  

As I began reading the book of Esther, I was surprised at how much like a story it reads.  I have not read much in Esther.  Once, I read the Bible through, but I do not remember reading from this book.  I could visualize so easily the scene that the author described.  I felt like I was watching a movie as I read.  Then Beth actually commented on that in the study.  So far, the reading is compelling.

One of the statements Beth makes is, "It's tough being a woman ...but sometimes, there in the hiddenness, God builds a woman she'd never otherwise become."  This hit home with me...sometimes I wonder, "Why do I have to go through this? or Why did I make those choices?I've completely messed my life up now and there's no fixing it." with different trials in my life, but in the end God brings me through the trial with an understanding and strength that I would not have otherwise had.  This just reinforced that for me and gave me comfort in re-realizing that it's all in His plan.  

I also loved the way she points out that God uses our history and our "Carried Away" moments to shape and mold what we are, to use for His good in our future.  I need to stop regretting mistakes, and know I have forgiveness and what I've learned through the process will hopefully be used for good in some way.

Is anyone out there doing the study or have done it in the past. What are your thoughts?

Wonderful Wednesday

Today was a full day!  First it was my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday MOM) and we gave her presents this morning. School was busy as usual- Check up Day!  Can I hear a "YES!" from my teacher friends?  After school I packed up Carson, some toys, and the DVD player.  We stopped to get gas and Chinese food - general chicken, of course.  And, we went to Tammy's house to start the Beth Moore study on Esther.  I was hoping Carson would behave and let us listen.  He did for the most part, but got restless at the end.  To see a picture of our adventure go to Tammy's blog here.  By the way Tammy, I should have taken a picture of you so you can be included- I'm so sorry I didn't think of it.  After the study- which was so good- I'm excited to start my reading assignments- we drove home.  

When we got home, Eric was on the phone with his sister- Aunt Angie and Mindy.  They finally set up their computer on Skype, so now they can see Carson as he grows.  We had a blast talking with them. We miss them, but it was GREAT to SEE them.  We also talked to Cody and Mercedes (their boxer dogs).  They were so cute, and we found out that Cody now has a wheelchair.  His back legs are not working right, otherwise his is healthy and happy! 

Now we are watching American Idol.  I am so excited that DANNY is still on!!  He's so GREAT, right JEN???  Hey Tara, I thought Kara looked great tonight, didn't you?  HA!

So now the countdown continues to spring break...2 more days!  I can't wait.