my walk with infertility: year two

The first few months of our second year TTC, we stopped trying and just took a break.
We needed to work on some things with our marriage, and it was just a time for some regrouping and mending. 

About 6 months into the second year, I decided to talk to my doctor.  She thought I needed to start taking my temperature every month to find the right time of ovulation and to see if I was even ovulating at all. 

Let me just say... going to an Ob/Gyn when you're having trouble conceiving is not a pleasant experience in the least.  The last thing I wanted to do was be surrounded by all those pregnant people coming to see their doctor for a pregnancy appointment.  It was always very hard for me to be there.

I wish I had written all of my thoughts and feelings down as we were going through this. If I had a blog at that time, I'm might have.  At least a private one.  There are MANY feelings and emotions that accompany this journey and everyday my mind was preoccupied with it.  But trying to record those now is near impossible.

I did temps for 6 months and then went back to my doctor desperate for some help or answers. 

She did not have a good bedside manner at. all.

She told me that it looked like from my temps that I was ovulating- in retrospect those temps really could not have been conclusive on that, but I didn't know enough at that time to question her about it.  She wanted me to take a HSG - Hysterosalpingography.  I still can't say the word.  Basically, they run dye up through your uterus and shoot it up your tubes to see if they're open.  They use an Xray to watch and see if the dye goes through or if they are blocked.  If blocked, they know why we might not be preggo. 

This experience was not a positive one.   The doctor failed to tell me that I might need to take some pain meds before the appointment.  Or that I would need to take a pregnancy test before the procedure.  I proceded to use the restroom right before I entered the room.  They sent me to the lab and I had to drink 3 full glasses of water before I could urinate for a pregnacy test.

During the HSG, the cramping was so severe that I threw up.  I'm sure having a full stomach of water was not helpful.  And the cramping did not stop for a few hours after we got home.

My tubes were not blocked. 

My doctor had no other advice or help to offer.

We were nearing the second year of TTC, and no help or hope was given by that very incomptent doctor.  My opinion is, if you are going to be an OB/GYN, you must have training  with infertility and how to help those patients.  Not all of them can or do.  It's very sad.

By this time, we had told many of our friends and family. 

It was a sore subject for me.  I was trying to go to baby showers and make the most of it, but honestly, it was just plain hard to do.  I was happy for my friends that were pregnant, but I was jealous.  I wanted it to be me. 

Many friends tried their best to be there and listen when I needed to talk.
But I didn't always want to talk.

And some friends didn't know what to say.  It made them uncomfortable. 
We pulled away from people, and our circle of friends became small.

Quite frankly, all my hopes and dreams were fading.  This was what I dreamed of as a kid.  A family.  To be a mom.  And I didn't know if it was going to happen.

my walk with infertility: the first year

I've recently thought about writing down my memories of our journey through infertility....
As Mother's Day gets closer every year, I think about the struggle and pain and joy of those eight years.

After Eric and I were married for about a year, I started wanting to try to have a baby. We dated for 5 years, and we were about the last of our friends to get married.  So, I felt ready to add another person to our family.  Eric was a little reluctant at first.  He wanted children, but he always needs to warm up to any changes in our life.  So, I began talking about it slowly. 

I was teaching in Ava and we lived an hour from there.  I knew it would be hard to drive 2 hours a day and have a baby.  I considered that I could be pregnant and do the driving, but hopefully have another job closer to home by my third year of teaching so I would have more family time and not be away from a baby for so long during the day.  Little did I know, that would be the least of my worries...

During the summer after our 2nd anniversary (1998), we decided to start trying to conceive. 

The first few months were exciting to think that we were going to have baby soon.  We thought about baby names and how we would decorate the nursery.  We didn't tell anyone.  We couldn't wait to surprise our family and friends with the news.  We had waited so long to get married (not by my choice), and I was pleased that this next stage in our life was going to come a little more quickly than our journey into marriage. 

We are both planners, so this next step in our lives was something we had both planned and wanted for our family from the very beginning.  I wanted to have 3 kids.  The first two closer together, and then a 3rd one about 5 years after the 2nd child was born.  I'm not sure why, but I had always thought that was how I'd like the family to be. 

Our plans slowly began to fade....

Every month was a dissappointment.  Not one month did I ever think I might be pregnant.  I was never late once- always on time or early. 


As the months of that year crept by, we began talking less and less about the possibility of a pregnancy, but we continued praying and hoping that the next month would be the month.


The last 6 - 12 months of the first year trying to conceive (TTC) were excruciatingly painful.  We hadn't told anyone.  No one knew.  We were alone and in misery.  It was probably the worst time of the whole journey.  We didn't have support.  We didn't understand why it hadn't happened.  We were scared to death that something was wrong. We tried to act like everything was normal with our friends and family because we had wanted it to be a surprise.  And the longer we waited to tell people that we were trying and failing, the harder it seemed it was to do.

After about a year of trying, I began to spin out of control.  I started to question every part of my existence.  Why was I not pregnant?  Were we supposed to be togther?  Why did I have to wait for every "big" milestone in my life?  Did I want to be married anymore?  What does this all matter anyway?  Why did life seem to be so painful?  What happened to my plan?  Why couldn't I make a plan for my life like everyone else? 

I'm telling you, I was reeling..... Eric and I went through some of our darkest days at the end of that first year TTC.  Our marriage was feeling a huge amount of strain and pressure.  I was lost in a downward spiral of despair and pain and fear. 

Mother's Day

This day is such a great day now that I have Carson, but I remember many years of pain on this day while we were trying to have a child.  This rose was given to me at church.  All the mothers received one.  As they gave it to me, I was instantly taken back to a Sunday when a man at church tried to give me a key chain for mother's day that they were handing out to the mothers. I said no thank you, b/c it was just too painful to accept a gift that represented something I wanted so badly.  He wouldn't take no for an answer, and said "Oh, you'll be a mother someday."  He didn't know what I was going through, but it was a stab at the heart when he said it.  I took the keychain and threw it away.  I think they may have been my last Sunday at church on Mother's Day until we got pregnant.  Not that I was holding anything against God, but the people were just too hard to deal with.   So this rose was special because I remembered the pain, and I'm glad I did.  I have such a heart for women who are waiting for a child or waiting for a husband and long for the day when they can have a child.  I want to always be a friend to anyone who needs a shoulder to cry or vent.  I know what it's like to be so in love with a baby that has not even been conceived.  A baby you long to hold, rock, and love.  This rose represents those years of waiting. Even though that time was horrible, I appreciate where I am today because of it, and I hope God uses it for good whenever possible according to His plan.

When I got pregnant, I asked God to never let me forget the hurt I had felt for all those years. Not that I enjoyed the hurt, but once I had a conversation with a girl at church who got pregnant after a couple of years of infertility.  She said that she couldn't even remember what it felt like to be in that place (infertility).  At that moment, I knew to never say that to someone who was infertile.  It didn't comfort me to know after what she had been through, nothing was left from that time and she couldn't relate to me or anyone who was going through infertility.

My heart still physically hurts for anyone who is struggling with infertility.  I pray for you on this day.  Also, for those who are hurting because they've lost mothers, daughters, or sons.  I'm sure this day is also very hard for you, too. I pray that you can be still and know that He is God.  He's right by your side.  He will get you through this journey no matter what the outcome may be.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

My mother's day this year was special... I was able to spend it with my wonderful mother.  I am so blessed to have a mom who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY!  She has always been the most loving and supportive person to me.    I also spent the day with the best mother-in-law ever. She has been a dear friend to me for 18 years now.  We were so glad to have them both with us on this day.  Of course, the best gift was spending it with my baby boy, Carson.  He is the most precious miracle of my life (next to my salvation of course!).

Mom's new car

Carson trying it out

Mom, Carson, Pat, and me

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, and I'm praying for those who are hurting on this day.  

Infertility is on my Mind Lately.

Here's another great video which does a great job of telling about the emotions and trials of infertility...

National Infertility Week

This week is National Infertility Week... boy they seem to have so much more out there for support than they did before I had Carson.  I'm so glad for that.  I love having the blogging world for infertility support.  Lately, I have been down more about not being able to have another child w/o lots of work and money... I found this on another blog and I cried and cried. I could not hold back the tears, which is unlike me... I'm not really a crier.  Take a minute to watch it.  If you struggle with infertility- it really hits home.  If you don't - it gives you a little bit more understanding for those who do.

Don't forget to pause my tunes that are playing on the right, so you don't have to listen to both songs at once. 

Infertile Thoughts

Having this blog during the time of my infertility (before Carson- not that I'm fertile now) would have been great therapy, and perhaps a great way for me to share thoughts with family and friends when it was hard to do so face to face.

So here is a list of things I always wanted to publish... Yes- all of these statements have been said to me personally-believe it or not.

The top 10 things you should NOT say to an infertile couple:

10.  Just relax.

9.  Adopt and then you'll get pregnant.

8.  Do you need lessons on how to do it right?

7.  I'll give you my kids for the weekend and then you won't want kids.

6.  Enjoy this time without kids, because once they come your life is over.

5.  I know how you feel...I tried to get pregnant for 3 whole months, and it was so hard to wait. (Did they really think they could feel what I felt after years of trying?)

4.  You'll get pregnant- I know you will.  (How do you know God's plan for my life?)

3.  Come to the baby shower.  It will be fun.

2.  Children are such a blessing from God.  (Yes they are, but I'm infertile.  Are you saying I'm not worthy of that blessing?)

And the number 1 thing you should not say to an infertile couple is...  any complaint about pregnancy.  Complaining about pregnancy -when it comes so easily to you-to someone who would give anything to be in your place is very hurtful.

Another thing people should always be aware of-  if some of your friends do not have children, and you've wondered why they don't and bug them about when they are going to start trying... they might be trying.  It's a terrible feeling to be trying to have a baby with no results, and have someone bugging and teasing you about when you're going to have a baby.  Think twice before you ask someone that question...

That was something I have needed to get off my chest for many years now.  I guess some of these thoughts have been stirred up since we have thought about having another one.  It is much different this time, but still a hard process, and I've just been thinking a lot lately about all those infertile years without children.  I think I've dealt with it so long, that my family and friends understand me and know how to be sensitive about it.  But, remember, you never know who might be dealing with it- whether it's the first time around or secondary infertility.

Bottom line... infertility is hard with or without children.  Be sensitive to it.

Pregnancy & Infertility

I absolutely LOVED being pregnant!  Anytime I think about my pregnancy, I remember the nausea, the growing belly, the tiredness, the maternity clothes, the swollen feet, the 3rd trimester sickness, the wonderful feeling of having my baby growing inside, and ALL THE REST!  I remember it all - the good, the bad, the ugly.  AND it was the absolute best time of my life.  I had waited so long for it that I savored every minute.

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mom.  Not everyone feels that so young.  Some of my friends weren't sure they wanted kids or thought maybe they would adopt, but not me.  I've always known, wanted, and couldn't wait for the time when I could start a family and be pregnant.  That's why it was so very hard for me (as it is for everyone who faces it) to go through infertility.  

I worked so hard to become a pregnant mom.  I was absolutely determined, once I got through the devastation of being infertile, that I would do whatever it took to become pregnant- as long as God allowed me to.  I endured all the surgeries, needles, drugs, weight gain, hormonal imbalances, doctor visits, and bills that were thrown at me.  I didn't care, I just wanted to carry my own baby, and be a MOM.  It was hard and tiring, but I pressed on.  I was so determined, I just tried to look forward to that day- even though I couldn't think too much about it.  I couldn't become too attached to what it might be like if a baby came, just in case my heart was broken again.  

Now, as we seem to be ready for the possibility of another little baby, we are faced with the fact that in order to do that, we must go through a huge uphill battle to give Carson a little baby brother or sister.  It would be so nice to get pregnant just because we want to and add to our family without such a production.  Now that I've been through all it takes to get pregnant, I just don't know if I can do it again.  My body has been through 4 in vitros.  The older I get, the harder it gets.  

So what now?  I know if God wants us to have a baby- like so many other people do- he can make that happen, but it hasn't happened in 11 years... Adoption is an option, and one I'm more open to now that I've been pregnant, but that scares me also.  There can be so many disappointments.  

Pray for our family, I am asking God to give me peace about whatever His will is for our lives.  I know that I am truly blessed to have Carson, but it would be nice to add to our family like so many families are able to do.